Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
