my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
