It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he thought i was a dude.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
