I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
