Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sorry my hands just texted you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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