Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
