It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
