she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
