I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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