Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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