I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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