someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
