you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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