Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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