apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
