How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
