somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
