My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
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It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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