Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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