I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I want is dick and wine.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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