So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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