She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I supernannyed him into submission
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
