I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
