I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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