too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
