she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
