Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
