I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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