I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
