OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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