Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
