I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
