My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There are leaves in my underwear?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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