Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
