The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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