I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
