You're my little dorito
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
