Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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