paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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