Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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