the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
