You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
