Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
