He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
