Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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