So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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