i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
if only i could text you this smell
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
