I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
