i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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