The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
