Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
