I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just google imaged poop.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
