Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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