he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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