She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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