i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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