I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
