My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
